Yes, Single Men Can Handle a Skillet
There’s one thing that’s culturally a perplexing mystery almost as much as this thing we like to call “spinsters” or unmarried women perfectly able to manage self-sustainability and a social life without a man holding their hand. In our toxic society, they are more often than not regarded with pity as if they were lacking a limb.
Sadly, most of the time it’s other women that pat your back with a concern about your relationship status and conviction you’ll find the right guy because you’re such a great person to be with. School reunions are made for this. Classmates share photos of kids, real estate and whatever other things they can brag about. If you’re not a part of this pattern, you feel like a whale in a matchbox.
Then there’s the male counterpart of the unfortunate Spinster. I call this particular kind of man a Sphincter. Not just because it rhymes but also because it’s kind of an outsider perception. You’ve got the Yuppie, the Hipster, the Recluse and the Sphincter. Basically, a single man whose life is a matter of concern for relatives: how on earth do you manage to survive?
I’m a Sphincter. I get occassional, shy calls from family members who inquire about my cooking and cleaning, who I spend my time with or what I do with my time in the first place. Then there are ocassional “audits” when they drop by for a drink and, what a surprise, check out the state of your kitchen sink or look for dust on furniture. It’s insanely predictable.
Just because you’re a Sphincter, doesn’t mean you’re an asshole too. You won’t run into a biological hazard in my bathroom. My bedsheets are clean and I know how to use both the dishwasher and the laundry machine, thanks for asking. I can even manage a pretty decent bacon omelette and my smoothies are to die for. This is a culture where a house without a wife is treated as a mismanaged mess without proper food on the table. It seems a woman is needed to turn your man cave into a home. We need to bring men up to date: maybe they simply don’t like cooking or are no good at it.
While no man is an island and we certainly need to rely on each other for support, simultaneously we have to be able to shoulder the burden of everyday chores on your own. Your wife isn’t a cleaning lady or your own personal chef. If she is in fact a chef, after a whole day of dealing with fancy food, she probably desires only a grilled cheese sandwich and a kiss. If you can’t manage both, better be a Sphincter than an unreliable partner. Traditionally, women not only provide your lunch but also a shoulder for tears you try to hide from the guys. You’re a big boy and boys don’t cry.
The Sphincter is one of the biggest curiosities in modern-day patriarchy. You know, the poor guy who can’t get laid, eats take-out food and his private life is a mystery. Because if you don’t deal with diapers, teenagers or one of those jobs requiring a suit, your life must be either a ride on the magic carpet or a ride through a valley of tears. Women are under a big pressure to find a soulmate, but they’re not the only ones with a biological clock. If I had a child tomorrow, by the time he reaches his teens, I’d be deep into my fifties and you want to be there for your offspring as long as possible.
My sexual orientation isn’t an excuse for this, rather a reason. There’s a significant difference between the two. Surrogacy for gays is a complex issue on its own. But that’s a different and complicated topic on its own. Though kids can adapt to circumstances, it’s an environment with a different dynamic. While same-sex families are no longer unusual, I don’t think they’ll ever be regarded in the same way like the heteronormative majority. Unless the prospective gay parents are wealthy, like Ricky Martin, who can provide them with every advantage they need.
That’s one of those conclusions you face when you fall out of this patriarchal pattern: single women may be treated as if they were wasting their uteruses and neglecting to learn the subtle art of home-making if they’re out there in the dating scene for too long. On the other hand, unmarried men have an internalised feeling of inadequacy if they’re not doing their own part, constantly between a briefcase and a stroller. If you skip on it, you’re a brat who can’t handle a responsibility. Allegedly.
When my grandmother spent a weekend at the hospital for a treatment, my grandfather could barely manage without help. It’s the generational thing: people were raised with a predetermined role that they grew to treat as an aspiration or ambition. Those that strayed from it ended up in some sort of a social void, sticking out in communities that were all about fitting in. There must be something wrong with you if you want something more from your life aside from motherhood and marriage. Now turn the table.
Ocassionally, a family member will bring lunch in a hot Tupperware box. I certainly don’t mind, but I do not require it. Is it pride? Maybe. I’m damn proud I can manage to keep up a house with my own two hands. Two more would complete the picture, but if you can’t do it on your own, an extra pair might be able only to fix the consequences, not the cause too. That’s something you need to do yourself.
People are often aware of what causes their issues but are too inhibited to face them on their own. That’s perfectly ok because being honest with yourself is the way to the solution. The state of your desk pretty accurately mirrors the state of your mind so I make a point to keep it tidy. Crumbs on the floor attract ants, so that requires care as well, but a household is a 24 hour operation that needs to work as neatly as a Swiss clock.
It’s true that I like to play loud music at home because most of the time I only hear my own thoughts. Sometimes I sing, but don’t worry, only by myself. Or dance over the floor tiles like Mikhail fucking Baryshnikov when using the broom. It’s what they call secret single behaviour.
Well, now that the secret is out, I’ll have to find something new. Maybe my own Only Fans to boost the income? Nah, I’m only joking. Of course I am. Don’t be silly. Being a Sphincter doesn’t mean you’re uptight. But it does open you up to new experiences with the right people. Ok, I can’t keep up a straight face any longer. You’re invited for a glass of wine, no hand sanitizer needed. I promise.
