Vloggers: The Ultimate Silence Killer
I live on my own and sometimes it happens that almost a whole day passes by without a meaningful conversation with someone who isn’t serving you a drink at the local bar. You go back home into the silence that’s only broken through the click-klak of dirty dishes in the kitchen sink or the sound of a breeze dancing with your curtains, twisting them like the heavy wings of an albatross. Messaging with friends or family is fine but it’s mute and disheartening. I wouldn’t mind it if it weren’t for the fact I’m naturally extroverted and enjoy interacting with other humans as you probably do too. From talking to strangers to spending quality time with those near and dear to me. What happens when it becomes a mission impossible? Shudder. Or at least that’s how it was until I discovered podcasts. I may not be the one doing the talking but hey, someone’s talking to me for a change.
Podcasts turned out to be the perfect substitute for that missing voice in my intimate space. Whatever you feel like talking about that day, there’s someone who’s a good fit, depending on how much time you have and what you’re doing. They’re everywhere, so let’s start with movies. I have a preference for politically incorrect movie buffs who established themselves as opinion makers with a cult-like following. One of them is the writer Will Jordan, whose online persona The Critical Drinker has 2 million followers on Youtube. His rather entertaining musings about the state of affairs in the American film industry and related cultural landscape go beyond satire: it’s a platform with an outreach so far that even Kathleen Kennedy, Disney’s notorious producer, felt compelled to respond to his comments related to their practice of wokewashing cherished classics.
He’s not the only one- the film vlogger Nerdrotic often shares his thoughts on the same platform which has become an unofficial subcultural forum. His following might be smaller than Drinker’s, but his arguments are equally on point. My preferred time of listening is in the evening hours before a Netflix binge. Will Jordan created a deliciously sarcastic character with a vulgar and patronising attitude to the Hollywood elites, a refreshing change compared to the borderline worship they’re showered with by the rest of the media. Lately, one of his targets is Rachel Zegler who mistook a Disney princess for a ballsy girlboss activist and managed to piss off the entire fandom to such an extent that the release date was postponed. When they finally came up with something resembling a trailer, it was drowned by him too, followed by similar sentiments from the whole community.
If my social media is anything to go by, I’m already living in a retirement home and enjoying it because who knows if I’ll be able to afford a real one. It means I’m comitted to my pledge to avoid Tiktok at all costs. A little bit like when the priest asks you if you’re renouncing all the glitzy allures of Satan. Well, there’s a creator on Youtube who’s not renouncing but rather manifesting the Dark Lord himself. On camera, Funky Frog Bait looks more like a dorky teenager with a nose piercing that only pigs wear in that gloomy corner of the woods where my family put its unfortunate roots. One of the videos is satirising the conservative hysteria triggered by Pride displays at Target where, allegedy, American minors are exposed to satanic temptations in the shape of rainbow-colored products.
With plastic red horns and a fork, it’s an invitation into the hell hole of indignation, paranoia and protecting our children from every predator out there apart from those at their Sunday school. Funky is usually with me during the morning while I prepare my breakfast: an omelette with crispy pancetta, grated parmeggiano cheese and an apple for desert. Or a banana with peanut butter if I’ve been a good boy, which I certainly am. At least if my mommy was right, and who are you to contradict her? Mothers are always right, even when they’re wrong. Funky has a style of delivery that makes me look forward to the silence in the kitchen. The volume goes up and the neighbors never complain so who cares about them anyway. Without this, I’d be oblivious to the bizarre assembly of American content creators some of which have turned it into a very lucrative career.
Attention addicts are the inspiration for this particular creator because each video revolves around a phenomenon or person currently setting the algorithm on fire. The punchlines and writing are brilliant. Check out the takes on the “sad beige moms” and Colleen Ballinger’s vitriolic hit “Toxic Gossip Train”. While I had no idea what makes the ukulele-wielding disgraced influencer so controversial, Funky gives you sufficient context to see what’s so bonkers here. In the role of Miranda Sings, Ballinger built a big fan base of children who looked up to her for harmless entertainment. Then the media dug up a string of scandals where her relationship with fans went from cute to downright creepy when she started sending them her underwear. Like and subscribe? Of course I did and so should you.
Not all of them make me laugh out loud. Some make me smile with relief that there’s still a precious hidden corner of wisdom to be found there, like Malcolm Guite’s writing nook in his eponymous Youtube channel. We get to visit him in his small studio. Cosy, full of books and a comfortable armchair where the writer sits, puffing on his pipe and looking like a crossing between Santa Claus and Gandalf. His focus mostly revolves around Tolkien an related topics. You feel like a postman because each episode begins with a knock on the door and he lets you inside. Everything you expect is already there, literary stereotypes in the prettiest kind: a fireplace, desk, a time capsule taking you back into the days of Frodo’s father himself. Every time I listen to Malcolm, it feels like a warm cup of cocoa and it can dispel even the darkest clouds, at least momentarily.
When I first discovered this, I was a bit worn out from all the hype around Russell Brand and Joe Rogan, highly divisive people most of the time. It’s either hate or love, few of their target audience are capable of something in between. Since the YouTube algorithm occasionally sends a pleasant surprise my way (that’s where all the music I write about crawled out of), Malcolm appeared out of nowhere and I’m sticking with him ever since. Like a grandfatherly figure everyone should have, he’s eloquent, friendly and without a single trace of controversy, a rare trait on social media. Though he’s barely over a hundred thousand subscribers, that puts him in the same box with others deserving of much more hype than they’re currently getting. It’s a joy to write about them as well: be it obscure music hall stars, European cinema or authors as far away from your school’s reading list as the sun from the Earth, like Milan Kundera or Annie Ernaux.
What a surprise when I discovered good ol’ Malcolm is a musician too: there’s a whole separate topic on Youtube devoted to his music. Here he switched the pipe for a guitar. The humility about it adds to the effect, in case you’re not yet convinced what kind of person this is and why you should SLS, meaning share, like and subscribe to whatever he puts out there. It’s time well spent in that digital sea of time leeches fighting for the last scraps of your attention span. When he muses about Arthurian legend, the raspy voice wraps your heart in a little cosy blanket protecting you from the problems we have to deal with in the analog world. There’s no climate crisis in Middle Earth, no cancel culture and when they engage in a war, at least their villains look the part. The boss wears a crown and a cape instead of a navy blue suit with a small flag pin. Sartorially, humans are defeated here and will be subjected to Sauron’s equivalent of a Queer Eye makeover.
I generally tend to avoid comedians who dwelve too much into ideological discourse but there are certain honorable exceptions. One of them is George Carlin, the other is Bill Maher. A no-bullshit guy whose every monologue is usually a no hostage situation. In the insanely tribal showbusiness landscape of today, he’s one of the few equal opportunity offenders who doesn’t sugarcoat things no matter from which side of the isle they’re coming. If Fox News suddenly treats you as a friend, it might mean that you’re one of the few bridges left in America still standing. The way things are right now, that’s a major accomplishment. While there are some left-wing comedians unwilling to engage in any kind of meaningful dialogue with conservatives, Maher hosted Greg Gutfeld for an interview in his whiskey-and-weed mancave. Quite unironically so, he’s putting his money where his mouth is: there are no deplorables in his basket.
Everyone’s growing weary and tired of the grand canyon that replaced the moderate middle of the road between liberals and conservatives. That’s where people like Maher found an audience hungry for a no-nonsense voice. It’s a plaform for everyone willing to interact without throwing mud at those who disagree. He’s not afraid to question contradictions of causes activists treat as a holy mission, only to get confused and defensive when faced with facts that don’t align with their feelings. Whether we’re talking about sexism, gender, the Middle East or the Ukraine war, nothing is off the record with him. Some are unwilling to address the hypocrisy of certain feminists, but not here. First you clean up your own mess before pointing fingers, also known as the vaccine against the terminal-stage narcisissm so many self-anointed freedom fighters succumbed to. Hamlet would say, something’s rotten in the state of Denmark. Were it not the case, we wouldn’t be in such a dire need of people like Bill Maher.
In his show New Rule, he initiated an award for people who refused to submit to the terror of political correctness and the woke culture that’s left more victims in its wake than the black death epidemic in 14th century Europe. If he makes you despise those like Gutfeld less, that’s not because you’re a good person. Human beings are much less threatening outside a proscribed context that media has created in order to divide and conquer, the old adage that never really gets old. Primarily because the human reluctance to accept change without violent resistance is as valid today as back when your ancestors lived in caves, wearing nothing but fur and fig leaves. While it’s rather frustrating that we’re intellectually reduced to a chimp with an iPad, at least there’s Bill to laugh with, instead of at us. Which is more we can expect from those making decisions that profoundly affect our world, from education and healthcare to freedom of press.
I’m also a great fan of channels like Never Too Small, a designer platform devoted to modern architecture, creative individuals and their solutions of creating small-size housing that’s both aesthetically and functionally appealing. In an age where rent-free private property can be an unattainable dream, this feels much more relatable than Architectural Digest. The house tours of mansions inhabited by celebrities sometimes walk the thin line between ridiculous and offensive. My favourite example is Gwyneth Paltrow whose candles smell like her vagina, so it’s safe to assume her bathroom, the size of which rivals the imperial baths of Rome, smells the same way too. Does it mean the gilded taps spit out her bodily fluids too? I honestly don’t want to know. NTS gives you a feeling you could live in those small places yourself without losing any quality of life.
These are places inhabited by city folk in tucked away corners somewhere behind the main street rumble, usually within walking distance of dense urban areas. They don’t have a private gym in their cellars, there’s usually only room for a washing machine and a dryer and that’s fine. Many of these don’t feel like a forever home, but a temporary, comfortable solution for young professionals. Still, it’s no less attractive and looking like living in an editorial of a glossy magazine. Partly because of the quality of production, with music which makes it look like a short art movie. The inhabitants tend to be artists, architects, IT entepreneurs and similar. They’re outside the market of working for survival. Instead, they’re working for living. Sometimes I need to believe we’re not all doomed to the exploitative machinery of late-stage capitalism and able to carve out our own paths. And all that while maintaining both the sense of dignity and beauty.
NTS is a respite from the colorful cohort of online designers advising you on what’s currently on fire at IKEA and which trends you should avoid. Sometimes their personality is very entertaining, like Nick Lewis. Fortunately, he isn’t one of those broadcasting from their bedrooms. It’s like, do you live in your mommy’s basement or what? No need to know what your bedding and knicknacks look like. Here we have a background narration by the architect of the space with floor plans or the impeccably dressed owner. You find it hard to imagine those spaces ever get messy. They look enbalmed in a meticulously presented version for the bewildered public. As a writer whose space is a projection of his creative process, I have something to confess. There’s a room here in which a mess of equally bewildering proportions is hiding. I believe you can find a door like that in these aesthetically pleasing places too. In the end, whatever you see there, we’re all human when the camera goes off.
