The Animal Farm of Online Dating
Say what? You feel like a black sheep? Nah, there’s a lot of grey in between. To paraphrase Orwell, all black sheep are created equal, but some are in the wrong flock. Even if you were covered with rainbow-color sequins, it doesn’t really matter. Just like Medium’s friends at Stripe are geographically cherrypicking authors worthy of their money, a similar phenomenon developed on dating apps. It contradicts everything we are mentally tube-fed all the time about acceptance, inclusivity, equality, human rights, blah blah blah. Especially in terms of the LGBT community, usually painted as a standard-bearer in this race against ignorance, bigotry and discrimination.
Passionate and enthusiastic as I am, I kept ignoring the writings on the wall and the identity delusion these people were suffering from.It’s almost like a menu in a fusion restaurant where you take a photo of the turd on your plate and instagram it to everyone before you actually eat it. That’s how nasty it is. There are 20 identity options in the “search” category, including a selection from the Animal Farm: bears, otters, cubs.
Of course, you also got the guy next door that somehow never turns out to actually be your neighbor. Or the many, many men describing their physical appearance as “average” whatever that means when applied to 8 billion people. Grindr and its bretheren have turned dating into a confusing cornucopia of disturbing fetishes, a digital locker room full of people some of which are better suited for Sigmund Freud’s couch.
Online dating has united the world in unprecedented ways and made it much easier to bond and connect with your like-minded no matter where they are, from Iceland to Italy to Indonesia. Besides building bridges between us, it helped sharing ideas and solutions to problems. The side-effect was a compartmentalisation that put a label on each individual as though they were a product.
Especially because deep down, each dating platform is like a supermarket with all the usual sections you’d expect in a real world, only much more judgmental and narrow-minded. And it’s suffering from inflation, though this one is about qualities which always look better on screen. At least until reality makes, what was supposed to be impressive, look like a dead fish.
It didn’t take long for these overcrowded digital gloryholes to become political too. It’s nice to see their users are capable of penetrative discussions on something that doesn’t involve penetration. But experience has taught me to be always room for doubt since sometimes it happens that prey becomes predatory. Social hierarchies have subhierarchies too which can be especially sensitive in minority communities.
It unnecessarily makes their position even harder than it already is. The invasion of Ukraine has caused a huge rift that parts of the LGBT community seem to support too. Like the butlers, footmen and boot boys in the English sitcom You Rang M’Lord. It sound like a weird foot fetish club. In the show, members of the downstairs staff have a strong sense of superiority over each other. It’s a perfect carricature of the English class system and its absurdities.
Now that an unofficial political boycott against Russian culture is in full steam, it trickled down into the world of dating apps too. The eye-opening moment was a chance meeting with a young man from Russia on one of them. His initial approach was restrained and shy. He was very careful, polite and asked if I mind talking to him. What a question. What wouldn’t I? We’re all consenting adults here after all. What he said then was unexpected, or just surprising since I really wanted to believe this community puts solidarity before petty politics.
Regretfully, it seems that there are many who like being treated as a human toilet, but they will treat you like one if you happen to be Russian. This frustrated young man proved me just how naive I was. We bought into the bullshit of collective guilt that Germans experienced after World War II. Again. And we didn’t learn anything. Not every Russian is an asshole, though many do advertise theirs on Grindr. Not every German is a Neo-Nazi. And not every Republican is a racist or a bigot. Bang your damn head against the wall until it cracks and vents that crap out of your mind.
We fell into the trap. And instead of watching out for our peers in places where they suffer the most, we dismiss them because of leaders that they might be afraid of anyway. We were stygmatized and ostracized ourselves. We do not have the moral upper hand in this. He didn’t vote for Putin. It’s not his fault. So stop treating people like shit.
Online dating has given a microphone to every moron with shag deficiency. Maybe we needed all this to see how many there are. And don’t try to explain it away with rotten apples. We shouldn’t look away as if that would make it go away. It will just make you look like a hypocrite. Gays can be narrow-minded nationalists too. And their worldview as wide as a constipated bottom. No community is immune to ignorance. But we shouldn’t allow it to poison the discourse.
Humans are complicated and my new friend’s experience is the living proof that compartmentalisation is a bad thing in any circumstances. Because as much as they make the difference between otters and cubs, they also make a difference between nations and religions that infect every fibre of society with superiority issues. In the process, it developed into a metaphor of Lord Meldrum’s house in the sitcom. When you hypocritically turn a cold shoulder on innocent Russians, don’t forget you’re still the footman and not a prince. And in your own hour of need, don’t expect sympathy if you’re not ready to provide it too.
I happen to live in a country that has been through the same process of collective guilt as a result of a historical trauma. Even those who had no fault in our woes were stygmatized because they belong to the nation that attacked us. And we were wrong all the time because it’s not the nation that we belong to. It belongs to us. And if we’re unable to use it as a platform that can be shared with others, better stick to filthy chatrooms. You can’t have my ass and eat it too. You can’t get away with acting like a human skidmark if you allow your prejudices get hold of you. We’re supposed to be better than this. Are we?
