Take a Deep Breath, It Will Be Alright
There were two times I thought about killing myself. It was like a spiky butterfly in my mind that just wouldn’t go away, messing with my mental balance. The first time I was in early puberty, when your mind is messy anyway and it slowly dawned on me that I wasn’t what they call “normal”. Meaning I wasn’t sexually attracted to women like other boys.
I wasn’t sure why I felt that way and there was hardly anyone you could talk to since sexualitty was almost a taboo topic at that age. The closest it ever came to it was being told by adults “when they talk about pussies, you talk about pussies.” I’m not sure if it was that particular moment that led me to look for fulfillment outside the system which then led to working outside the system which lead to lack of community, depression and loneliness.
It did lead me to living my life on my own terms and finding people I can share it with. Admittedly there’s still a vacancy when it comes to romantic commitment. There were times where I was ready to commit and quite openly so. But I learned people don’t fancy me as much as I would like to.
It was so severe that I couldn’t possibly believe it when once someone did react to me in a way that wasn’t completely platonic. Boredom leads to desperation and desperation leads to depravity. You simply give up and your libido turns into a switch going on and off, devoid of any deep emotions. The rush you feel takes posession of your faculties and you’re addicted to the feeling of release because you settle for the easiest fix.
There are days when it hits you hard and then there are those where you’re distracted by things that make sense and contributing to something bigger than yourself. Being productive cures your weakness. Ever since I started with a gym membership the perspective changed a bit. I do have friends, that was never the issue.
There’s always someone out there who may be looking for a friend like you and you’re unaware of it. If anyone knows how that feels, it’s definitely me. So I try to be receptive even to strangers. You got to be careful though, if the door is always open, the wind might pull down the curtains. On the other hand, this opened the doors of the world to me and it suddenly looked densely filled with assholes and angels.
The second time I was once again drowning in that well of desperation that triggers the need to end it all even before it truly begins was when I recently watched After Life, a Netflix show about Tony, a widower played to exellece by Ricky Gervais. He’s coping with his wife’s early passing through a cocktail of watching her videos and acting like a prick to everyone around him.
Tony decided life suddenly makes no sense any more and his mood swings between suicidal and rude. He’s not even trying to disguise his disappointment and cynicism though people try to show support and sympathy. Paradoxically, his toxicity affects others too, verbally or downright tragically. We want to sympathise too but Tony wants none of it.
I do get it, to be honest. We need a reason to get out of bed in the morning. We need a reason to live instead of letting go. That would be the easy way out. He says so himself, you can always fall back on it. And it’s true. There’s a bathtub scene when he’s holding a razor in his hand and it’s hardly difficult to guess what he’s about to do.
Until his dog comes in. She’s got her own needs and it brings him back to reality. It made me think what I would do. I don’t have a wife, husband or a dog to come in and rescue me from my own despair. It’s a mix of excuses, valid reasons and coincidences but it’s the way it is. Life works that way for most people. When you’re weak, you need someone to be strong for you. A single tree does not a forest make.
It’s a strange feeling. There are situations when you do want to belong but you simply don’t know how. Belong to anything really: a business, a family, a relationship, whatever. You convince yourself you’re strong enough to pull it off all on your own. It’s reassuring to be aware you can create something where you don’t need to compromise your own values because that’s only way how you can fully understand why you are doing it and maybe even feel a little bit of pride. But when you want to share the sense of accomplishment and happiness, there’s no one there. And it robs it of a part of its allure. Maybe hapiness and sadness are sisters and each holds your hand. It’s the tightness of the grip that makes the difference. It helps knowing the latter one is rarely as tight as you think. And that’s especially important when you feel that butterfly creeping in again.
A true emergency exit isn’t one that leads into an early grave. Actors don’t leave the stage before the curtain call. And then they take a bow. Which is exactly what we should do. It’s not about when you get out of bed but what you with the rest of your day. Most probably, I won’t succumb to temptation and take the easy way out. I don’t have a bathtub like Tony. The show is called After Life. It’s about life after losing your reason to live. But you need to have had one beforehand otherwise there’s just Life. Is something like that worth living? True wits lie in your ability to find that. Maybe you’ve been looking in the wrong place all the time. Maybe being one’s own therapist is easier than acting on it.
I know my virtues and shortcomings, as you grow older you learn how to tell one from the other. I talk too much, compare myself to others, and a lack of focus is only the tip of the iceberg. My libido is sometimes out of hand and if I were a period, women would feel perpetually pregnant because I’m usually late. There are incurable diseases that take hold of our bodies. Some take hold of our mind, like anxiety. You try and do your best to live with both without hurting yourself or others. A good human being is what many aspire to but few really live up to. When you dwelve into it, it’s not that difficult. Just learn how to embrace both of those sisters and find an equilibrium. That way you won’t get squashed by them. Getting stuck between two women is rarely a good place to be.
Though it’s difficult to promise it, I won’t do anything stupid. Or at least go that far. There are too many people that make my life worth living, they’re that reason to get up. I’ve started to meditate. You take a deep breath. In through your nose and out through your mouth. And repeat till you find that place of peace within. Maybe you lost your way to it. It’s time to find it again. And life is all right again. You breathe out and you smile. It’s the first step in a new direction. I hope I’m doing fine. If not, I’m doing better. My heart already has a shelter. At least for now, that’s more than enough.
