Surviving the Locker Room
Two days ago, during my regular workout at the local gym, I spotted a tripod on the floor next to a shoulder press machine. At first it was silly, but since then I’ve seen quite a few, including people operating them. No surprise, all of them were men. Arms carved with veins sticking out from years of dilligent training, shoulder muscles rivaling the shoulder pads of 1980s power suits, sweaty tops with hilarious slogans like “gym rat”, as if that weren’t already clear. The sugary peach scent of air diffusers surpresses the sensory testosterone overload in the room. I wouldn’t neccessarily call the vibe toxic, because the guys tend to be polite to one another or simply stay out of your way. On the other hand, it’s like a vast exhibition of insecurities and fixations displayed in large mirrors covering a long wall where you push until you hit your limit and then some.
You never know what goes on in someone’s head until you see it, which is why gyms are an exception to the rule. It’s all out there: their goals, their weaknesses and their drugs. Yes, drugs. Because this is a rather expensive addiction: you’re paying a monthly membership, then add supplements, gear, accessories, specific food and you’ve got a hefty shopping list with a matching pricetag. A rather deep and costly rabbit hole. Anyone who’s serious about it without being a professional athlete would likely agree. My mesh t-shirt for workout is almost 10 years old but still in one piece, on the other hand there are people who use a 200 dollar perfume instead of a deodorant after they’re finished for the day. Makes me look like a teenager with a flanker from Calvin Klein. But it does what it’s meant to do nicely.
One of the guys comes with a duffel bag so big it could double as a body bag. Once he starts unpacking you get to see why there’s so much need for space: the sneakers are big, cans of pre- and post-workout supplements, towel, shaker, fragrance, shampoo. Like a Charlie Chaplin act. Just carrying it for a block or two equals a decent cardio. The one thing on him bigger than that are tattoos with a plethora of mythical creatures, religious symbols and numbers. But it’s basic decency problems that put us all on the same level. No matter your muscle mass, it doesn’t affect your brain if you pee on the coal heater in the sauna because you just can’t hold it in. Of course the management closed it, no candy for cunts in this place.
Gyms are fertile ground for gay hookup apps. It happened twice already that someone sent a suggestive message but I prefer to avoid it. You’ll have to look for an another booty, the workout my glutes prefer here doesn’t involve penetration. The locker room might as well be the city’s biggest closet. The line between health and vanity is extremely thin in places like this. Building a toned body though is a lifetime investment that requires continuity and discipline. If you let yourself go for too long, pecs turn into manboobs. The only thing funnier than people who can move their ears is those who can make their pecs jump. They probably have a social life in the outside world but it’s hard to tell in this bubble of proteins and dumbbells. We don’t really need what’s being sold to us here: a balanced diet and lots of hydration are more than enough, yet we still boost it with supplements.
The toxic gym subculture is only the tip of the iceberg that’s been a long time in the making. Up until the rise of the metrosexual trend, it was usually focused on women which turned into a big, lucrative marketing bubble which is the reason why the wealthiest guy in the world isn’t Elon Musk but Bernard Arnault, the guy whose company owns luxury brands emboding everything Vogue is selling you as aspirational however unattainable it may be. He debunked the myth of the value of experiences over materialism as utter bullshit. You want the it-bag, you need the sneakers Gigi Hadid is wearing and you’ll wait in line for Joe Malone’s new custom-made perfume line at Zara. The sustainability fetishists are just making it hard to admit because that’s an another trend you latched on to.
In the age of gender dysphoria and related issues we rarely address body dysmorphia. Conservatives will weaponise puberty blockers whenever they want to pull an another mic drop against the woke crusaders. But few will ever address something else many teenagers are dealing with, and it’s the exact opposite. Youtube gymfluencers subconsciously push them into pumping their still developing muscles full of dangerous steroids that make a 16 year old look like Mr Olympia. Their parents are rarely informed enough to recognize when it gets out of hand and don’t understand that it’s primarely a mental health issue. While they’re trying to raise their kids according to their own values, those who already did the work are people on social media with millions of followers. A subculture off the radar of traditionally conservative people who don’t see that the most important pulpit isn’t at the Sunday service but Rihanna’s Instagram newsfeed.
The onslaught of content creators online makes it difficult to find the good stuff in the pile of misinformation regarding workout and physical activity in general. More often than not it’s about statistics, counting calories, carbs and sugar. The biggest revelation is that suddenly you see sugar on every nutrition facts list. Trying to avoid it snowballs into a counterproductive obsession that gets worse when you suddenly decide that gluten-free is the way to go though you don’t have a health issue that would require it. Rookies in the bubble are easily persuaded that the quality of what you’re buying depends on the money you pay for it. But that’s not true since the ingredients you’re looking for can be found in decent dupes too.
Maybe it’s due to the fact that I’m too old to be the target audience of those with millions of followers who treat their gym videos as the gospel. You learn to see through things. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution. Our bodies have their own biorithm and metabolism so they should be treated accordingly. It’s not about hitting the limit in deadlift, but learning to appreciate the process, overcoming obstacles and teaching yourself how to reach goals without getting intimidated or inhibited by fear from failure. There are those working out in couples or with personal trainers. They flaunt their skills and bodies for everyone to see without being aware of their surroundings. Since I usually exercise alone, it provides enough time to observe them. Details that reveal their private life, their beliefs or taste.
In order to learn how to write, you need to learn how to observe. Your essential tool isn’t the keyboard but your eyes and ears. Average people move through the real world immersed in their earbuds or thoughts, focused on their way to wherever. This reality which we all share is equally toxic but its scale is too large to focus on one single aspect. That would require space and time, a luxury many can’t afford. Whoever invented earbuds deserves an award because the sounds men make while exercising resemble serious constipation. It’s easy to drown in the sea of ideas about how you should look. Who gets to decide what’s ugly and what’s desirable? We handed this authority to those who we shouldn’t trust at all costs. People who earn their living from pretending to be the answer to your needs provided you can pay for it. But first you need to come up with the question. If it’s the right one, you’ll manage find the answers yourself.
