On Grief
The only thing worse than closeted sexuality is closeted grief. In the current time of epidemic crisis, the mental health aspect of those left behind the deceased tends to be overlooked, hence pulling away an important topic from the public discourse regarding the epidemic. Those who aren’t affected physically by it, are not mentally immune. There’s no vaccine or booster for it, especially since the issue of mental health tends to be marginalized in favor others deemed more important. And by not adressing it sufficiently, we don’t recognize its grave effect of the whole community. This is because all of us come with a certain background and our condition affects the lives of the people close to us. Sometimes, through refusing the help we need to confront our problems or simply dismissing any possibility of healing, we create an unhealthy, self-destructive bihevioral pattern that rubs salt into our weak spots. Since we insist to engage in this self-inflicted psychological masochism, the breaking point is imminent. And this can’t be achieved without willingly, iresponsibly and selfishly ignoring the consequences of your actions. Especially regarding the people who offer us their sincere support. But we can’t save everybody, especially when they need to be saved from themselves.
All sorts of pressures and burdens lead to aforementioned disastrous effects and decisions, like self-harm, depression or even suicide. Internalized homophobia in conservative and homophobic communities tends to create this unhealthy mental vertigo in individuals who, unable to accept or face their true sexual identity, try to fit into the hetero-normative society that reduces individual identities to ethnic and confessional, while ignoring the fact that human identity is a complex set of numerous values, influences and elements that go far away and beyond than those two. We are shaped by our sexuality, gender, values, tastes or ideology we choose to relate to. However societies that lead to suicides due to inability of people to cope with grief or judgement won’t be able to evolve and truly progress unless they recognize that collectives consist of individuals who might escape self-destruction if they were able to live their truth openly without the fear of shame and retribution. This is also connected to the hetero-normative idea of emotions as signs of weakness that erode virility on which a large part of conservative behavioural concept is based upon. Its root lies in a set of symbols and identities rejecting any kind of fluidity, instead establishing firm borders of socially acceptable roles that the individual needs to play in order to reach a state which might be called content since hapiness is a bit of a stretch in communities built on prejudices and expectations. Just like the seeming taboo of mental health related the epidemic is insufficiently discussed, the same is the case in other parts of our everyday lives that we can’t cope with. Especially since the pride we nurture so much stops us from reaching out for help in those critical moments that make us take a leap from that spiritual cliff from which no one comes back unscathed. The process of healing can’t begin before we recognize where the grief, that sits on us like a large, sharp rock, comes from. And then, awareness that there are people sharing similar stories that can help lift that rock, and enable us to finally flourish. But holding on to the wall of pride and anger prevents us from healing. It can only lead to mistakes that can’t be reversed and consequences we won’t be able to face. That will be bequeathed to others, whoever they were. You can’t pick a flower without leaving the rest of of the flowers in wonder why there’s suddenly more room for their petals to fly in the waves of dew. You can’t save everybody, but you can choose to save yourself. Because bravery is the prerequisite for vulnerability. A sacrifice very few of us are willing to make.
