It’s Not the Truth if It Doesn’t Hurt
If you want to stay friends with those you hold so dear, you better keep your mouth shut. Especially your relatives and close family members. Should you surrender to the urge to say what you really think of them, be prepared for a domino effect that might severe some ties none of which are a fashion statement. Honesty is rarely your friend, especially in politics. To be honest, there isn’t much difference to familial matters. People get away with things because they’re a close relation and take the fact for granted.
The ability to believably lie must have saved quite a few marriages from falling apart. The same goes for the laws and in-laws. As long as you can pretend you’re in law (pun intended) with your in-laws, you’re fine. No minefield is more dangerous than a family function. You go there, sip the booze, stuff your mouth with food and talk politics once you’re out of sports-related topics. Babies are the ultimate tension pacifier because there’s nothing as soothingly cute as a baby. They’re the exception that gets away with honesty. If they dislike you, they’ll be loud and clear about it.
Theirs is the truth that doesn’t hurt. Adults are a different story. Things pile up over the years. It’s easy to turn it into a passive-agressive actions speaking louder than words. Or better, the lack of actions. Cutting your uncle out of your speed dial is only a problem if it leads to you getting cut out of his will. Luckily the average person doesn’t have assets worth fighting over. Still, it happens more often than you’d think. To outsiders, it’s fairly easy to tell bread winners from grifters. In conservative cultures, the latter are a given one puts up with because blood is thicker than water.
The bubble of unspoken compromise is quite easy to burst if you don’t really care what people think of you. Even better, if you have nothing to lose. You put up with shit because only if it’s the best bet you got. This kind of approach won’t win you any friends but if you let others treat you like doormat, you don’t really deserve better. Unless there’s an agenda behind it. Again, it’s an another similarity with politics. There’s always an agenda. Someone needs a favor. Or help. Or any other thing that demands your time and attention. It’s not true you won’t hold it against them if they don’t equally reciprocate should you need the same from them.
Something else should also be a given but people still do it: keep your family away from your social media. It’s your private property even if you share the same roof. A place where you express opinions or interact with the outside world as you see fit. You’re inevitably bound to a less then subtle clash with relatives who don’t share those yet have access to your social media. That’s fine as long as they keep their reaction to themselves. Unfortunately, sometimes they’ll confront you about it and it won’t be pretty because of their pretend polite tune, feigning benign concern.
Nothing upsets me like good intentions. They don’t say for nothing those pave the road to hell. And what’s hell if not the an another name for love? I prefer an agenda over love any day because when it comes to family, the two can be synonymous. Imagine how many others there are which would throw their own disapproval in your face if they could bring themselves to do it in the first place. The worst part of adulthood is the calculating character of human relationships. In a way, it’s refreshing to experience a social media-related feedback offline because the only way to escape the trap of algorithm is good old-fashioned quarrel in analogue reality.
Those closest to you belong as far as possible from your love life, unless they’re a part from your chosen family. That one is arguably more important than blood relations because you get to choose them according to shared interests, values or taste. You don’t mind hearing or taking their advice. Due to the fact that I’m a minority in almost every aspect compared to the rest of my relatives, it’s hardly a surprise I reduce my time with them to situations when mutual support is needed to help shoulder the burden of their loss. And share in their happiness when the occassion calls for a celebration, like weddings. You show up, raise a glass and give them something from their registry. It’s a great idea, to getting two toasters.
Whatever you do, your social life should be organised in tiers: family, friends, acquaintances, colleagues and strangers. Many people frequently mistake acquaintances for friends, which leads to otherwise avoidable, unnecessary drama. You can’t be friends with everyone. If people get the impression, it’s a like promiscuity: it indicates a lack of criteria and trust in you. I tend to overshare too. But I make sure to keep it in my closest circle. Some are so notoriously private it indicates there’s nothing particularly exciting going on or they work for a secret service and you’re the perfect target since you don’t need to be waterboarded into a full confession.
To be honest, there’s a different side to that medal too: sometimes you simply don’t have anyone with whom you’d otherwise share certain things. But over time, I also learned the difference and how much time to invest into certain people. Sometimes, you’ll naturally hang out several times a week. On the other hand, there are those you meet once in a month and you don’t have the impression you missed out on anything. Several days ago, I ran into a distant cousin during a visit to the countryside and experienced quite a nice surprise. One of those who have a positive vibe and good ideas others in the village hardly care for. He showed me his orchard as if it were a tourist attraction and you could feel the passion.
It was a little bit sad that though it’s a small community, most people live in their own private bubble, keeping themselves to themselves. There’s a lot of potential there, from rural tourism to organic food business. Though I don’t live in a really big city, the contextual difference between us was huge. An old, romantic part of the village is dead and in decay though it’s picture-perfect and scenic. If you close your eyes, you could easily imagine a wine shop or a multipurpose space and a cafe. Basically, a reason to come here instead of merely living here. For now, it’s still merely a good idea. The guy definitely deserved his place on my friend list. The exception to the rule.
To wrap it up, follow the same rule like the villagers: stay away from the family in order to keep your sanity. But be very careful about bridges you choose to burn because there are some you can’t avoid. It’s not the truth if it doesn’t hurt, indeed. The occassional meltdown can be a great relief. No one can pretend all the time. And then it’s time to regain self-control. They say if you want to unmask someone’s true feelings, have a fight and let the tongues roll. Once the grievances have been aired, it’s like piercing a helium balloon. It might scream but the pinch of a needle truly hurts only the first time too. I’m the pickiest when choosing who I let ruin my day. If it’s you, consider yourself lucky. Because it means I care.
